I marvel at times...

Blue glacial ice ~ Prince William's Sound ~ Valdez, Alaska

I marvel because I am alive. Bright blue glacial ice. I never thought in a million years that I'd actually see it. But I did. It brought tears to my eyes. It will soon be 2008. Imagine that. Pretty awesome since the doctors sat down and shot from the hip as I asked them to. "Three years tops" they said... "you probably won't live past 1988." 1988!

So I suppose this is an affirmation of sorts. I guess I really am a survivor at heart. I had to laugh the other day when I realized my credit card's expiration date is 2010! Holy crap! Twenty-fricking-ten! That amazes me.

I was elated to hit the year 2000. It was a year, that I could barely comprehend while I was in middle school. Well, truth be told... it was more because I couldn't imagine myself in my early 40's when it happened. Go Figure.

So this is a wish to you all... the new year is upon us. We will laugh in the coming year... we'll cry. The more things change... we'll realize how much they stay the same. We will stress over big things and small. We'll blow stuff off and wait for the repercussion.

We'll do this because it's what we all do every day... we laugh & love, we bitch & moan... but it just means... we're surviving!

I love that idea.

How have I come this far?

Silence.

Peaceful.

Lovely.

Wondrous.

The New Year Is Soon Upon Us.

Move Into It With Grace.

We Are All What We Make Of It.

You Mean The World To Me.

AGH! It's that time again. Cripes.

Mom loved Humming Birds... so does my Aunt

So I guess this can be my one concession to them both. I'm not a bah-humbug person. Well, I didn't used to be. I can say all the standard excuses, it's too commercialized (oh yeah... that's so frighteningly true!) Or I don't subscribe to the whole religious angle. (I know some of you cringed on that one, sorry) then there's the whole "Holidays are too stressful" (Oh yeah!! I absolutely go along with that one!)

Probably the biggest obstacle for me is that I've never been able to single-handedly put the fun back in dysfunctional and after all these years... I am just too dammed tired to fricking try anymore.

Cop out? Maybe... maybe not. You can only bang your head against a brick wall for so long. For years, my Mom was a shameless instigator, now my brother has held the crown since Mom passed. Only he ramps it up so much it makes Mom look like a lightweight.

Pretty bad things to say about my family I know, but there does come a time when you just have to accept the inevitable and say, "Fu** it." Never thought I'd ever hear myself say or write those words but I'm on my way to 50 and I'm just too fricking tired of it.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, we've decided to try having a Christmas meal together at a restaurant. I'm sure this will be bitched about by my brother. Well, he can show up or not if it bothers him too much. Another plus is that in public he'll be less likely to go off on one of his rants or tirades. We think.

If not it just means that next year, I have Christmas with my Dad and whatever niece's decide to participate. I refuse to be held hostage by my brother's foul moods and negative energy, any longer.

What the hell is it that makes the holidays such a motherf***ing emotional roller coaster? Thank God for Valium is all I can say. One of my absolute favorite quotes of all time is courtesy of author Stephan King...

"God protects drunks, children and the cataclysmicly stoned." Viva Valium!

Um, yeah... I'm kidding.

Sorta, I guess.

At least it's almost over.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and oh yeah....

Bah-humbug!

Life...

Kitties...

Puppies...

Dancing like nobody's watching...

The power of seeing the Pacific Ocean

for the first time...

A sunny afternoon by the water with your dopey dog...

The perfect skip, on a perfect day...

Sunsets...

Moonrises...

Life.

Death...

This guy is 6'2". That is a wild Alaskan moose.

It could kill him in a matter of seconds.

This could be my living room, I could have been in that chair.

If I had no winter clothes and was homeless, I would die out there.

If I fell in this water, I would die of hypothermia within yards of safety.

The point?

While death can come out of the blue... with any number of explanations... Your name is on the top of the "page", It was just your time... It was an accident waiting to happen... so many possibilities. A person would be crippled emotionally if you thought of nothing but that.

But there are events that can make death a real threat.

My Mom's only sister is fighting for her life. It shatters me at times because I cannot predict the outcome I so recklessly long for. That one unattainable thing... that desperation of being there for her as if I were my Mother, not just her niece. I am there to comfort her, to tell her I will not let her be alone. While all the while, wanting to rage against the very idea of her having to face this illness.

Loved ones are vitally important... we must fight so much harder without the support of those we love... be they siblings, cousins, parents. Each time I speak to her, I have floods of feelings... flashbacks of my Mom's illness and death. The overwhelming feelings of helplessness. The emotions... the strength I show her... the positive energy I try to flood her with... but when I am here alone,

I grieve.

I grieve for her life, changed forever with the utterance of a single word.

Cancer.

I have anger. Confusion. Sadness. Pain. How can he be like that? He should be ashamed. (I am not refering to Him... but a mere mortal) But it's not up to me. I have to strive to be there for her. Like I was for Mom. I truly believe I survived for exactly this reason. So I could be there for my Grandma, my Mom, my Dad and now my Aunt. To be there to answer questions, get a laugh out of her, to tell her she can do this. She can survive!

But as I sit here typing this, tears streaming down my cheeks, I can't help but wonder, how will I ever carry on if I lose her?

Tell me please, will I have the strength to survive this?

Where has this year gone?!?

I can't believe Christmas and the New Year are mere days away. Well, let me rephrase that... if you go by the "Calendar-O-Wal-Mart" it seems Christmas was just mere "days away" sometime about the middle of October!

The piped in music at almost all stores visited before Thanksgiving, was Christmas stuff. And they wonder why employees & customers "Go Postal"? Which reminds me... I still have packages to mail. Cripes.

Okay, back to how fast the year has gone. I am a firm believer that once you hit forty, years don't last as long. As I am moving in on fifty (yeah, yeah... I said it! Don't have a cow or anything!) I believe the days are significantly shorter, thus, the year goes by faster.

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, time flies etc. So what I'd like to know is if time passes so much faster as you age, how come we don't look better as a whole? I mean... if time is flying, wouldn't you think you wouldn't get grayer or fatter or saggy-ier? I think somewhere along the line time should cut us a break!

Oh by the way... this is the latest scientific evidence that suggests this is the only accurate way to weigh yourself after you've turned 40. Seriously! It's the only reason I smile some days! On that I'll leave for awhile. There is a piece of chocolate singing to me from the kitchen. Time to sing along! (At least it's not a Christmas carol!)

How do you answer a question like that?

One can't help being awed by a picture such as this...

I have a friend in crisis. I wish I could just reach inside her and take away her pain and sorrow. I wish I could crush her fears, hold her in my arms and tell her, "It's okay... it's not the end of the world... It's just a bump in the road. It'll get better."

All those things will happen in the future, I don't doubt... but today she is in agony, her heart is broken, her spirit faltering, her mind overwhelmed. But she will persevere, of that I do not doubt.

She is stronger than she knows, the answers are not out of reach... but I grieve for her. I'm trying to help her make sense of things...

I wish I could calm her aching heart, bring peace to her tattered soul, but I can't reach inside her and soothe what so desperately needs to be soothed... so I do the best I can... I give her all my love, all my support, a shoulder to cry on, and do my utmost to make her smile.

It's what I do best, it's what I believe... the reason I have survived a rare cancer and beaten it... I made my way through that, so I could be here for her now, for all my friends, for all my family...

So have hope my friend... you are not in this alone and you never will be.

Okay... I said it... so sue me!

Just what we all wanted... right?

Well, here it is. The morning after our first snow storm here in the, Not-So-Great-White-North. All things considered... it's pretty amazing. I'm sure I will think it f***-ing sucks tomorrow when I got out to shovel. I am quite glad I phoned my prescriptions in today. I know I'll be needing major pain meds after tomorrow no doubt. It's okay though... I know there are a lot of people out there that need this moisture... I feel for the farmers... after a severely dry summer, the snow is about the only thing that may help them next spring.

I know the snowmobilers and skiers are chomping at the bit for their winter "sports" but I only care about our farmers and our water table being replenished. I find it amazing actually... I'm hoping for lots of snow for the farmers, I'll survive, but the hope is that they do too.

At the very least we can be quite thankful we aren't dealing with this!

This is a shot of what the Denali Highway in Alaska looks like! They don't maintain it from October to May!

I guess it's time to try and sleep, it's 3 a.m. and I'm getting tired. I can hear the snow plows out now clearing the streets... it's actually kind of soothing, when they drop the blades it sounds like distant thunder. As decent thunderstorm always did lull me to sleep.... besides I'm facing the shoveling of about 6 to 8 inches of snow.

These are the days I wish I was a normal healthy person. Instead I'll shovel, hurt myself then try to get my act together to be coherent for the rest of the day. But... I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you!

I do have to report that Alaska has been on my mind all day. While I was there, my "doll" hooked me on the music of Corinne Bailey Rae. I got the CD and have listened to it off and on all day. I found myself listening to the music, staring out my window but I was feeling and seeing a whole other world. I could smell the wind, hear the fast, rushing of the river. I could hear the low, rhythm the dogs set... one by one they let the world know they are a part of it... this life that she's carved out for herself, her husband, her animals... I am so proud of her.... It was a day of reflection for me... one I needed... I have been letting thing get to me.

But today? Now what I feel is just incredibly lucky I had the experience I did... the beauty, the love... the incredible outpouring of emotion for me today.

I love my life today. I love how the music touched me, I love that each time I hear Corinne's voice I will think of those days in Alaska, and I will be so happy and grateful my life includes those beautiful memories... So, fly baby-girl, fly... And my spirit will be with you at the finish line...

Hanging out with the Wookie & the Brunette giving blondes a bad rap...

The Wookie

Wow... it's been a few weeks! I got to spend some time with the Wookster... I missed him and he sure hasn't changed much. Just a big dopey dog... and such a baby!

Then it was just so fast! All of a sudden hunting season had started, Thanksgiving has come and gone... sheesh! How can it possibly be almost the end of November and we've yet to see snow here in The-Not-So-Great-White-North? Spooky.

I spent the holiday alone with my friend's chocolate lab. It's also fairly easy to tell her mother was a blond. Sometimes ya' just have to shake your head and just think, "How does this dog make it through the day alive?"

She's sleeping and the doorbell rings on TV, she barks her head off. There's a knock or loud noise or something that sounds like it might be a doorbell or a knock... she barks. And growls then does that little "chuffing" non-barking thing. It got to the point where I was making bets with myself as to how she would react to something on TV. (The crap is all repeats, so I know where the doorbells etc. are going to be... I won a lot!) But she's just doing what chocolate labs do. Giving yellow labs a bad name! HA!

I'd love to post the picture I took of her but I haven't the foggiest idea of how to get the picture from my cell phone to my computer. I imagine it's rather easy, but the cell phone's new and I'm only halfway through the manual. I did take a cool picture of my bare feet and figured out how to use it as wallpaper though! (And you know as soon as I figure out the transfer thing, it'll be posted here! HA!!)

Life has been neither good, bad or indifferent. It's just been. I got a new cell phone (a real one, no more Tracfone for me!) As you can tell, I'm having some fun with it. I now belong to "Chad" (think about it....) and can't wait for my first bill so I can connect my "10" Boy, that's going to save some big bucks on long distance charges.

Tomorrow is a Dad day, lots to do there.... then I have my own stuff to do on Wednesday, then... oh hell, I'll blink and it'll be the weekend!

A friend of mine just suffered through her birthday. I won't say how old... for two reasons. A) It would be rude. B) I'm older than her and as such, I don't remember for sure! Hahahahahahahaha!

She had a hard time with it and other things... I felt bad for her. Just remember dearheart... The blues come unannounced and sometimes they're played in C-minor. But they will slip away like the last remnants of the day soon enough, and life becomes less melancholy, once again. Call me, ok? And smile, eh?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

This was in my Yahoo News Watch today! It's not the entire article but it gave me enough information to live by! See... and you guys don't believe me when I tell ya' something!!!

"Sleeping your way to 100 means power naps. Power naps: 10, 20, 30 minutes a day really rejuvenate and refresh your body. Read on to discover how they factor into your longevity plans.

Power Up with a Power Nap. A long-time tradition in Latin countries, a siesta is a great way to jumpstart the second half of your day. Famous nap enthusiasts have included some of the best minds in history, such as Albert Einstein, Winston Churchill, and Thomas Edison.

What they knew was that a midday snooze - while seeming to be an unproductive use of time - could actually increase their effectiveness.

Some of the reviving benefits of naps include enhanced cognitive function, better reaction time, more patience, stress relief, and better overall health."

Well... off to nap!

I made it through the weekend! Yay!

So I survived the Happy Dog and had a good time with her. I actually miss her now because coming home to an empty house is still strange to me.

I was thrilled to discover that the Happy Dog thought going back to bed after getting up at the crack of dawn wasn't a problem. Especially when she knew she could be on the bed with me. Right tight... "gees-o-Pete-dog!" up against me.

It's a good thing I'm not claustrophobic.

Today is a lower form of one of my "Mental-Health-Days"... it's more of a, I'm-too-lazy-to-get-dressed-and-besides-I-don't-feel-like-doing-anything-except-maybe-a-nap-soon, day.

Yes... a nap is definitely in my future. Except I drank two pots of coffee this morning. So it'll probably be a, Get-out-of-bed-every-20-minutes-to-pee nap.

Whatever works.

What have I done?

So... the Happy Dog greets me at the door and I don't even get knocked down!

This is great and I'm very happy about that! One of the best things about her being two years older is that... she's two years older! So she relaxes a lot faster than when she was just a puppy.

We get all our lovin' in and she's finally ready to go outside to do her thing, I let her back in... we play for awhile, then she lays down with her big, fuzzy head in my lap so I can absentmindedly pet the underside of her chin while I read my book.

Later on she's sort of bugging me and I think, "Oh yeah... getting close to her supper time." So I check the note of instructions of how much to feed her.

It also lists the times to feed her.... Dear God in heaven! Does that really read 6:00 A.M.!?!?!

Man... just kill me now.

It's "Happy Dog" time!

This is the "Happy Dog" I'll be spending the weekend with!

This picture is also two years old. The "Happy Dog" in question now weighs about 80 pounds and has a wonderful, slide into you full body wag technique to greet you with. If you're not careful, the Happy Dog will kill you.

Just kidding.

So, after getting ready for my upcoming fun fest, I checked to make sure I have my muscle relaxers packed. Sometimes the Happy Dog is too affectionate. Of course that has never meant boo to me because there's nothing more soothing than a Happy Dog that makes you smile and be happy.

The drawback is the one rule I always break when I take care of Happy Dogs. Her people are conscious before, oh... let's say noon. Thank God they drink coffee! I've had Happy Dogs almost maim me because of the lack of caffeine. Usually because I walk headfirst into walls or doorways, but there is the occasional almost going headfirst down the stairs.

So far, so good... but I wish at least one of the bedrooms was on a lower level!

More news later on how I fare with the happiest of the Happy Dogs.

Wish me luck and here's to sturdy stair bannister's!

Okay.... NOW it's fall... well, winter even.

Results of heavy snow showers that didn't stick around long.

My dear girl from Alaska made a quick foray back home, so "Gramps" & I visited with her yesterday. We saw a day full of biting winds, sunny skies, gale force wind gusts, hail, rain, sleet and wind driven snow.

Basically your typical, "Not-So-Great-White-North" fall day.

I can hardly wait to see how long it takes before the snow sticks for real. One cool thing is that the ground is cool enough to plant my Alaskan seeds. What sucks is that it's cold out and I don't want to go outside. Who knew?

FINALLY!!!

I've triumphed!

Dare I say it? Yes, yes I will... the fruit flies have now all been dispatched to realms unknown. This makes me unbelievably happy. I'm just lucky that fruit flies don't have the life spans of your average house fly because I would have had to use a bazooka to handle that.

Happy "Who's bright idea was it to change when we fall back?!" Day... Night... whatever!

Locks of love are tarnished?

Feel the Love...

Some of you know, and others may not... but since I went into remission, I grow my hair long, cut it and send 12 to 18 inch long ponytails to Locks of Love.

Locks of Love is an incredible outfit that accepts donated human hair and fashion custom made hairpieces for children undergoing chemotherapy or radiation.

These are done by making a mold of the child's head and are so professionally made that for the most part, no one but the kids and their families know they're bald.

It is something wonderful to do if you've been thinking of cutting your long hair.

This will be my fourth ponytail and it measures just under 20 inches from the nape of my neck.

Oh... and the "tarnished" part of my title? Getting ready for bed tonight while brushing my hair, I saw something sparkly in the brush. It was a silver hair. Being a masochist, I measured it. I had a 25" long silver hair in my brush tonight.

Cripes.

Questioning my sanity... or how I got confused about Daylight Savings Time.

I couldn't resist... he's too handsome not to publish!

Okay, questioning my sanity, well... I do that a lot anyway but past few weeks have been so fricking bizarre! I'm taking a giant step into the past for this one! When I was a kid Halloween meant two things, first; Our costumes were made by my Mom; some specifically, (say... a princess) some, "Go look in the basement for those antlers if you want to be a deer."

But one thing was done, without fail... our costumes were made to be worn over winter coats and/or snowmobile suits. That's because here in The-Not-So-Great-White-North the sidewalks had usually been shoveled at least once before Halloween.

Yesterday was Halloween... our high was fricking 68 DEGREES!!

There were kids wandering around in the skimpy store-bought nylon costumes!

I must confess that it is beyond frightening for me to realize that I have reached that stage of my life where I can say, "When I was a kid...." (Yeah... that one still makes my temples throb!) But seriously! This was kinda scary... the weather patterns are so screwed up.

I find it interesting that it's been "Green Week" where everyone has been touting their environmental efforts. (On TV and advertisements) Gee... guess someone shoulda' been doing this about 10 or 15 years ago, eh?!

At least today there was some small measure of change... the high today was only 54 degrees. Get the long johns out!

Life has just gotten so strange... especially with Congress deciding to change when Daylights Savings Time changes back. They can't figure out how to get prescription drug coverage to the elderly but they can vote to change "falling back".

Sad... just really fricking sad.

An "I'm doin' something wrong here!" moment, at it's best.

I am not here.

I am not here.

How I wish I was here!

But alas... I am here.

Here in the aftermath of making

space in the closet to put the air conditioner away.

It's also why I'm going to take a nap now.

In my recliner for obvious reasons.

Dental visits and fruit flies.

For argument's sake... this is a fruit fly. Don't ask.

Well, I was wrong about the dentist... the procedure was relatively painless, but being fitted for a crown, which means removing all the yukky stuff first, did indeed amount to pain. Except that it was after... all that cranking around made my head feel like it had been nearly yanked off!.

Then there was the whole, "It's best with this temporary crown to keep your teeth clenched for at least 20 minutes, 30 if you can stand it." Do you have any idea how long 20 minutes is? Do you have any idea how much pain you get in your temple and jaws in that amount of time?

I'm no stranger to pain, and I'm pretty tolerant, but gees o' Pete's... my head felt like it was in a vice for about six hours after the fact! I came home and actually took a Tylenol 3 (with codeine!) and tried to sleep the worst of it away. I sure am glad that putting the permanent one on will not require the "clamping" ordeal!

So... fruit flies. Have you ever wondered where fruit flies come from? I do. Especially when the only fruit I have is apples, which are in the fridge and canned fruit. (Also in the fridge...)

I started noticing the little buggers here and there and thought, "Oh yeah, I had that banana peel in the garbage. Except then I took that bag out. Then there were even more.

Hmmm.... "Oh gees," I thought to myself, "Maybe they're aphids or some other houseplant type flying pest." So I started checking all my plants. Nothing. I begin to notice there are more. I also notice they appear to be getting a tad larger. I'm thinking... this isn't good.

Now I know my house has been extremely unkempt as of late. (Depression... what a lovely excu... I mean disease... yeah, disease.) But I had washed my dishes, took my garbage out to the curb for pick up. So I thought "Hmm... maybe soda cans?" Checked those, nope, no bugs.

Long story short, I was going bugnuts trying to figure out why I had these beastie bugs that, judging the noticeably size differentials obviously had bugnuts... (Hence the documentation of offspring.) I was starting to get very annoyed.

I can't even begin to tell you how crazy this was getting for me! I'm beginning to think that I have obviously gone over the edge. I don't ever remember being this frustrated over something so inane.

Now it's time to take a step back... I took all the cash I had and went to the grocery store a couple of weeks ago to buy what I needed for my "winter supplies" Meat, pasta, stewed tomatoes, sauces etc. everything I needed to make chili, bbq, meatloaf, stir-fry chicken. You name it? I bought it. I planned making the stuff and freezing single portion servings. So all I need to is heat and eat, healthy food, rather than processed type stuff.

I had 4 bags of canned goods and left them on the floor by the cupboard, as it didn't really make sense to try and fit it all in my cupboards, and I'd be making the stuff soon enough anyway.

Yesterday I took out the first five pound pack of meat for bbq and meat sauce. I go to the bags and I'm getting what I need when I slide another bag over to look for the spicy mustard.

The cloud, yes... cloud of fruit flies from the bag literally rocked me back onto my butt staring in amazement. Seems the young man packing my groceries that day decided to put a container of fresh strawberries in with the canned goods!

Every other perishable item had been bagged together and in my advancing years, I had failed to notice the strawberries were missing! Yuk! So I run the whole bag outside, then rip through my basement looking for bug spray, the closest I came was stuff for ants, but poison's poison right?

So back upstairs I go... spraying as I go and watching most of them do an imitation of a crashing plane. I make sure I move anything that could be harmful if sprayed and once again sprayed the hell out of my kitchen.

So far, so good but there are still plenty left to kill, in fact there is one about to meet his untimely demise as he's resting on my computer screen. Sayanara sucker! Sadly, I'm sure it's going to end up as a real battle for the next few weeks. I feel like I'm fighting a war with flies the size of chickens. Oh ewww... I squished it... that was gross!

Cripes.

So... it was the final straw to get off my dead, depressed butt and get something accomplished. So I did put the other cans away, I did make some of my food, cool it and freeze it and last but not least... did my cooking dishes.

Now I'm going to bed and hopefully when I awake tomorrow, I will find hundreds of little fly corpses that I can suck up with the vacuum, along with my hair clumps (can you believe I'm still sucking up Ludie hair? Cripes!!) food crumbs and remnants of dirt, leaves and pine needles.

Who knows? At this rate I may even get the kitchen clean enough to open the blinds! That may be asking a bit much though... I think I'll be satisfied if I can by Wednesday!

So I got some new glasses....

... and fell up my basement stairs.

Life is indeed, good.

Cripes.

I am mostly happy because at least I didn't fall down my basement stairs! It all happened because I had no choice but to get new frames (there wasn't any chance of using the same pair again, like I did the last two times) New frames meant different sized lenses.

This meant different size areas of my regular prescription and more importantly... where my bifocal line is on said lens. So I start up the steps, catch the new edge of the bifocal line as I looked down and wham! I misstep and fell up my stairs.

In a perfect world I would keep this to myself. Of course we don't live in a perfect world so therefore, I admit my embarrassing moment for the amusement of my friends. It's good to feel so loved.Yeah... keep laughing.

Alaskan chickens.

(You figure it out...)

Today Mother Nature messed with us again... it got up to 67 degrees. It's raining with some rumbling of thunder still a ways out. We're supposed to get thunderstorms throughout the night.

It's driving me nuts because I want to plant all my beautiful Alaskan seeds but the ground must be cool. I took it's temperature (the soil ya' smart asses!) and it is far too warm. On an environmental note, I did not use a mercury filled thermometer lest it break and contaminate the earth.

I used the one I use to check meat temps with. There's a use Pampered Chef never thought of, that's for sure!

Tomorrow is the 2 hour dental visit. I can hardly wait. It probably has a lot to do with why I'm still awake. I know it's going to be pain free but all that time in the chair messes with my chest and now, even worse my back. But I have no choice, I have to get the damn crown. And to think I paid that much damn money for my last car!

That is just ridiculous. Unfortunately, I have no choice, it's a crown or extraction because there isn't enough tooth left for anymore filling repair. It's always something isn't it?

Well, I'm going to watch some useless TV and then try again to sleep. Fair warning, tomorrow's post may be a bit "lisp-y"

HA!

Reflections...

Cripes... there's a very old joke that reads, "You know you're getting older when your back goes out more than you do."

Oh yeah... I think my back is on a three day bender.

It does indeed, suck big time. However, (With many thanks to Prince Valium!) I don't really care!

No, I do care and it bummed me out. I missed a friend's bridal shower yesterday and I felt really bad about it. But I had to be honest with myself and driving was simply out of the question.

Fall is marching along. It rained almost all night and as a result, there are hardly any leaves left on the trees. It has come to that, almost unnerving feeling as you look out at the yards and up & down the street.

Why is it so quiet? Where are the signs of life? The color has given way to bleakness and everything seems quite gray. A person wonders if even sunlight could change the mood of the season?

It's the time of year when a person's mind seems full of introspection... of contemplation... Where has this year gone? When did I last tell someone I love, that I do indeed love them? How has so much time slipped past me already?

The answers are fleeting... often there are no answers... just gentle wisps of thoughts that make you think... it wasn't such a bleak year... it was just fast.

In a way; it's comforting, in other ways, it's sad... time indeed goes by in a blink...

Tell someone you love, that you love them and you'd be lost without them....

Sure... now it's frickin' freezing! But I have a new coffee pot so I don't care! Woo-hoo!

First... I've spoken before about my loved one that lives in Alaska and races sled dogs. In March she will fulfill her dream of racing the Iditarod! As her Creative Consultant, this is my latest post on her web journal.


As a pup I felt a stirring...
a longing deep inside...
I knew someday... that calling...
would mean a very special time...

And now that pulse...
that longing...
has become so very loud...
It will take me where I'm meant to be...
on the trail of Iditarod...
...2008

Cool huh?

Okay, back to the new coffee pot... mine died, I was resorting to "coffee singles" (blech!) when my friend says, "You can have mine!" I jumped at it, because as a new coffee pot in my financial future was a couple months away.

It wasn't such a big thing when it was hot out because I don't like drinking coffee in the summer.Thennnn.... fall made an actual appearance and I was really happy to have the coffee pot!I love my friend's, "I don't drink coffee anymore so you can have it!"

Wow.

So as I sit here vibrating from my thus far, one pot of coffee this morning... I'm considering the repercussions of making a second.

Hmmm... I would like to sleep before this weekend so maybe a second pot isn't a good idea after all.

Then again I do have to go to Wally World in a bit and that might just make it okay... it's a big place and I should be able to cover a lot of ground rather quickly...

HA! This is GREAT!!!!

Now all I need to do is make room in my closet for my air conditioner. Yeah, now it's got to come out.

Cripes.

Oh well... I'll just make it a "Three-pot" day!

Who-hoo! Fall's is really here

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be happy to see windy, cold, damp, fairly icky weather, but I really am!

I guess it's just because the humidity is completely gone as is the oppressive heat.

Of course, I'm now in much more pain because of the windy, cold, damp, fairly icky weather... but I still don't care!

Ask me again tomorrow and I imagine I'll be right back to, "Cripes! This weather sucks!"

Here's to windy, cold, damp, fairly icky weather...

How in the hell did fall get here so soon!!

While lying on the ground I thought,

I gotta give squirrel's credit.

I wouldn't scamper that high!

Here it is, a week into October. We in the not-so-great-white-north are in the midst of quandary... the calender says October 7th, the temperature reads, 81 degrees!

We're kind of like turkeys wondering around the farm in the rain going, "What the hell is hitting me in the bean?" Oh, by the way... turkeys drowning from looking upwards to figure out the rain, is an old wives's tale/rural legend.

My brother's friend raises them. Usually the head for the bird barn/shelter. They're not keen on getting wet when they can help it, just like us. Who knew!

The heat wave is also chock-full of high humidity... yeah, that's always fun for those of us with compromised lungs. I'm just really happy I procrastinated taking my air conditioner out. As this has been going on for well over a week, I would have re-installed it that's for sure. They're predicting 70's until late next week! This is nuts!

Still, the trees are almost completely peaked for color and we did have a real hard rain a couple of nights ago with a lot of wind, that blew most of the fully colored trees bare.

I am anxious to have a good hard freeze so I can separate my irises and lilies etc. if I do it now, it will cause stress and I could lose a lot. It's been bad enough losing half of them during these last couple winters.

The lack of snow for insulation really did a number on them. I've got to try and save as many as I can. I'm also looking forward to planting seeds of flowers from my Alaska trip. The ground has to be cool when you plant them, and if they can survive in abundance there, they should have no problems here.

I guess I should get back to work, I finished all my dishes, am halfway through my laundry and procrastinating here on the computer. I had walked in here to get my slippers... that was an hour ago. Go figure...

I'm glad this week is over...

It's been a good but stressful week. The good was pretty nice, the low still brings tears to my eyes at the mere thought of it.

The joy, senior photos have been accepted and will be gracing the pages of more than one yearbook...

The low, the start of a star returned to the heavens....

You would've been the purest starlight of love to us all....

The nervous breakdown may be stopping... I think.

Is it safe to come out now?

So things have fallen in place however fragile they may be. My house still is not even anywhere close to being ready for "inspection" and guess what?! I don't really frickin' care!!!

Yeah, baby... I've got Tina belting out Proud Mary, the Valium is working exceptional well (Yay!) but I have to get my happy, sassy ass in gear and actually accomplish something and soon!

Tomorrow there's more senior pictures to take... only 45 miles apart but hey it takes my mind off the fact that I had to eat my supper of dry Wheat Chex with Splenda sprinkled on it, out of my small saucepan!

Yeah... I'm thinking dishes should be my first priority.

Looks like it's pretty much the end of feeling all crabby and upset and... just getting on with my life and reminding myself that the last time I felt like this, I was trapped in an extremely unhappy marriage and didn't know if I was going to live another month.

Hmmm.... that gives a person pause now doesn't it?

This is me... trying to get my s**t together.

Stop laughing!

How you know it's going to be a bad day... Part 200 or something

Okay, it's a bad day because yesterday I came home to a letter taped to my front door. Now as a rule that in and of itself does not portend bad news. Opening it and reading it did, however.

I was thrilled to be informed that:

A) "We're writing to tell you that, Hey! Guess what?! We sold your house!"

B) "Enclosed is the name of the new owners and oh, by the way, we're closing in less than a week so don't forget to go sign a new lease with them."

C) "Oh and before we forget, they want to inspect the place and adjust rents accordingly."

D) As I've asked so many other times in my life, "What does a stroke feel like?!"

So I'm sitting here losing it... the landlord's not answering his phone (Hmm... go figure..) and it's after five so I can't reach any others involved!

AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Made for a great night... barfing, and other gastric issues along with a headache the size of Mars. Why do I always get so physically sick when I get upset? I can't even laugh at it anymore. (And to think I'm going to be 50 in a year. That should be a blast.)

I spent today in utter denial. Worked for me. Of course I know I can't rely on that as a course of long term action... well... maybe? No. But... nope, have to face reality. I can only remain in denial until tomorrow morning.

Maybe around nine, no wait maybe noon. As I haven't slept, and chances are looking pretty thin for any rest tonight I'm shooting for noon. If I manage to fall asleep at 5 or 6 a.m. I'll definitely shoot for noon.

I had hoped to surf the night away but it's storming and I hesitate to remain on line and have my computer get fried. I really would lose it then.

Cripes... I'm just so damn tired of life continuously coming up and smacking me in the back of the bean!

Will I ever get a break? Well, that's a stupid question... I'm still alive so I guess that's the break that means the most so I shouldn't be bitching.

I wish I were here right now....

To hell with Calgon take me away...

"Hello? Northwest Airlines?

What's the next flight you have to Anchorage?"

By the way... did you realize there was a solider sleeping on the couch at the airbase in Afghanistan? Believe it or not. A friend there took the picture. It's some of the new camo. I'm just glad my furniture is all solid colors.

I really would have a stroke if I found someone

blending in on my couch!

Of course... I'd have to actually have a couch!

Yay! It's fall! Whatever...

Fall on the Maclaren Glacier & Mountain Range

Fall has arrived on the tundra. This was taken from the vantage point of the little cabin I stayed in. Zoya reports the snow is already coming down on a regular basis. Thin so far but the higher elevations are no longer clear of the snow by day's end.

It will soon be the same on their level. Around here, fall is messing with our minds. Few days ago... so cold and damp I could barely move. Today, high 70's with high humidity and a thunderstorm and rain earlier. Go figure.

I must admit that those few days of cold and damp were a grim reminder that winter and all it's unpleasantness when it comes to my daily pain struggles, will be the norm soon enough.

But... gotta just suck it up, bully my way through and if all else fails... win the freakin' lottery so I can spend the next few months in Hawaii. What the heck... if you're gonna dream, dream big right?

Oh... and if you want in on the Hawaiian Dream vacation, get your resumes' in soon.

I've had better weekends...

Have you ever had one of those days?

No?

Me either... because I have one of those lives!

I have been so icky, crappy sick to my stomach for a few days now. It blows. Literally.

Blech...

Haven't spoken to my Iowa sis for quite sometime, she calls... me? I've gotta say goodbye because I needed to barf some more. Yay.

Other than that... it's any body's guess. I did force myself to mow my lawn. That really was a bitch. Two weeks ago my grass crunched underfoot. It was completely burnt out.

Then we got a weeks worth of rain, the humidity of a rain forest and voila`! I've had to mow my lawn twice in the last two weeks. You'd think I was a groundskeeper at Churchill Downs!

I must concede the rain was desperately needed, especially for my friends that depend upon their crops for their livelihood... they possess a resolve I would never be able to keep, I know that much for sure. And I've been praying that this has helped them from the growing season being a complete loss.

I had only mowed my grass twice before this entire summer. Now the leaves of the trees are changing rapidly and not only because they're water-stressed. The nights are becoming crisp... quickly dropping to the 40's overnight.

Cripes. Fall is here...

Why is it that since I hit the big 4-9 number, it seems as if time is flying by at lightning speed? I guess age does that to you... that and a number of muscle relaxers and pain pills. (Whad'ya mean it's Tuesday! It is not! Oh crap.... how'd that happen?)

I took this picture on a Tuesday.

I think.

I bet you can't guess what this is!

This is me getting my sense of humor back dammit!

I also taped this thing on my computer.

It makes me remember to laugh at least once a day.
Acting grown up?!

Oh... I don't think so!

Time for bed!

I can't believe how much a single day can be happy and a bummer at the same time.

How fast and silently our lives fade away...

Another birthday come and gone. I should rejoice. I shouldn't be here. The things that made me laugh my way through the worst of times seems to be slipping through my fingers... how does that happen?

Gradually I guess.

I'm a year away from 50 now. I guess it's time that the plastic dinosaurs, taped up Far Side cartoons and other "eccentric" items are removed here and there from my desk.

I wonder where my sense of humor has gone and how did I become okay with it? There are brief flashes from time to time but mostly... it's been toned down considerably. I know the word I'm looking for... appropriate. My life has turned into what others would perceive as appropriate.

I guess if push comes to shove... I've exchanged appropriate for the lesser past. I've never acted my age... never felt the need. Now suddenly, it's on my mind all the time.

I miss who I used to be.

No new info, maybe later but I had to share this...

This is just wrong on so many levels!