Emotionally, Monday was a breeze.

This is an image I picture in my mind

when I need to calm or relax myself.

It reminds me of a great day.

The sound of the crashing waves,

the occasional barks of the seals,

the warmth of the sun on my skin.

I try very, very hard not to think

about the other details of that day.

It was a time when I thought I was

sharing the day with my family.

Now, painfully I know it will never

happen again. It will only be a

memory that grows dimmer

with each passing day...

I feel so sad that this post has been rewritten about twelve times. My minds eye can't keep up with thoughts swirling within it. It just now occurred to me that I am running the gamut of the same emotions I felt after first being diagnosed with my cancer.

Disbelief, yes... I guess that was first, but it didn't last long.

Denial, again yes... I think there was a small part of me inside hoping that this wasn't for real.

Acceptance, yes... I feel that, but it's becoming so very much harder to do.

Fear? No, that's about the only one I don't feel. Not too surprising, what's to fear? Well, maybe I'm wrong there... Right now I fear that my feelings of late will plague me for far too long.

Anger, yes... I'm there in a very big way. I try to rein it in, I try to slip back into acceptance, but the anger is not about to step back so easily. I was taking something out of the fridge earlier and spied a photo I had missed when I'd taken the others down.

I then realized there was something else stuck up there I missed removing as well. I took them both down and before I knew it, I ripped them to shreds. I was also quite shocked when I discovered I was crying. So I just sat down on the floor in front of the fridge, held my face in my hands and cried. My thoughts alternating between anger and depression.

I can't decide which emotion rips at me more, the anger or the sadness and depression. There is a bloody rip across my heart and I know that it will be there for a long time to come.

I remember reading or hearing a line that keeps repeating itself in my thoughts, (if anyone knows who the author is please let me know) It's:

"They say that anger is just love disappointed..."

Boy, isn't that the truth?

I sit here now and it dawns on me that I don't even want to do this.