Death...

This guy is 6'2". That is a wild Alaskan moose.

It could kill him in a matter of seconds.

This could be my living room, I could have been in that chair.

If I had no winter clothes and was homeless, I would die out there.

If I fell in this water, I would die of hypothermia within yards of safety.

The point?

While death can come out of the blue... with any number of explanations... Your name is on the top of the "page", It was just your time... It was an accident waiting to happen... so many possibilities. A person would be crippled emotionally if you thought of nothing but that.

But there are events that can make death a real threat.

My Mom's only sister is fighting for her life. It shatters me at times because I cannot predict the outcome I so recklessly long for. That one unattainable thing... that desperation of being there for her as if I were my Mother, not just her niece. I am there to comfort her, to tell her I will not let her be alone. While all the while, wanting to rage against the very idea of her having to face this illness.

Loved ones are vitally important... we must fight so much harder without the support of those we love... be they siblings, cousins, parents. Each time I speak to her, I have floods of feelings... flashbacks of my Mom's illness and death. The overwhelming feelings of helplessness. The emotions... the strength I show her... the positive energy I try to flood her with... but when I am here alone,

I grieve.

I grieve for her life, changed forever with the utterance of a single word.

Cancer.

I have anger. Confusion. Sadness. Pain. How can he be like that? He should be ashamed. (I am not refering to Him... but a mere mortal) But it's not up to me. I have to strive to be there for her. Like I was for Mom. I truly believe I survived for exactly this reason. So I could be there for my Grandma, my Mom, my Dad and now my Aunt. To be there to answer questions, get a laugh out of her, to tell her she can do this. She can survive!

But as I sit here typing this, tears streaming down my cheeks, I can't help but wonder, how will I ever carry on if I lose her?

Tell me please, will I have the strength to survive this?