On days like this, there's not enough caffeine in the world....

What it seems my life is like some days...

So... I've been debating about a week as to whether or not I was going to put this on my site or not. Then I figured, well... it's one way to tell if anyone is actually reading it!

Here's what happened....

As I've mentioned before I have to take blood thinners because of a nasty blood clot in my leg. I was instructed that while on them, I wasn't to use a razor. I have an electric one but, what's the point? I'd shave in the morning and would literally have 5:00 o'clock shadow! Actually it was more along the lines of 2:00!

It was winter and the only thing I sleep with is Ludie. He has more black hair on his legs than I have on mine so he doesn't seem to mind. Then it began getting warm in the Not-So-Great-White-North. Then it moved on to actually hot.

Since I wasn't too thrilled with shaving three times a day to deal with the shadow, I decided that if I used lots and lots of good quality shaving cream, a brand new, good quality razor cartridge and did it slowly and carefully I could use a razor.

No, I couldn't.

I bled for about a half hour. I was beginning to think I was going to be needing a transfusion before long. I used a half a box of tissue!

On one leg!

And they're long legs!

So there I was... facing the thought of ingrown hairs, stubble and twice daily shaving for the rest of the summer.

Not to mention the fact that in two days I have a woman's "Most prize-winning, can't wait until it rolls around each year!" Gyno appointment. So not wanting to gross out my Doctor, I'm really giving this whole dilemma serious consideration.

Then, as so often happens in the still of the night... those times when insomnia is able to keep you up but unfortunately, not quite lucid... I saw a commercial for Veet.

You've probably heard of it. It's the cream you put on your legs and then you use the fancy little squeegee to wipe off all the hair that doesn't come back for twice as long as shaving!!

Me thinks, sleep deprivation fuels a lot of impulse buying. Which would explain the number of infomercials on TV in the middle of the night!

The next day at Wally World I stumbled upon the Veet. I'm not kidding about sleep deprivation... I was tripping around Wally World and in hindsight shouldn't have driven myself there either!

Back to the Veet.

I read the label thoroughly, and since it only had to be on for three minutes and there was a sensitive skin formula I decided to give it a shot. In high school I had used Nair once. I didn't bother with the "Patch Test"

I paid for it too. I had chemical burns on my legs that even blistered!! It was the worst week of my life and that includes what I went through with chemo! So this time, I was taking no chances what so ever.

Did the test... perfect. It even has a bit of a pleasant smell. Not great, but definitely not horrible. I follow the directions to a tee. I make sure I apply it evenly, I am very careful to rub it on not in. I'm actually quite pleased with myself... this is going great!

Except it took a lot longer than I anticipated. I had to go potty. I'm thinking, "No biggie... I can hold it for three more minutes." I couldn't. I was starting to do the pee-pee dance and I'm realizing that even when the time is up I've got to scrape all this stuff off and you shouldn't hurry it... Etc. Etc.

Fine. I still have to go.

I'm standing (albeit, bent over a bit because by now I really gotta go!) and I think to myself, "I don't want to sit down because what if it takes the paint off the seat?"

Which of course begs the question, "If I'm worried about the paint, should I really have this stuff on my skin?"

So I finally decide to "hover" like you do in public restrooms! Genius! So I hovered.

What a relief! Then the dinger, dinged and I squeegeed off the foam and my hairless legs look outstanding! I'm very full of myself because, man... I did good!

Then I got in the shower.

I had planned to take a shower afterward to make sure I had all the stuff off, so on and so forth. Then I realize I have a lot of hair in my hands.... and all over the soap... I'm begining to freak, trying to figure out what in the hell was going on!

When it hit me. When you hover... you bend your legs and lean a bit. That means your thighs touch either side of your, um... Venus. So after a breif shriek, I slammed off the water, barely wiped dry and ran to my room to look at myself in the dresser mirror.

During this particular event Ludie had been peacefully sleeping on the end of the bed. By the time I hit the doorway of the bedroom he was roughly four feet above it and running in mid-air. I sorta felt the same way.

Stunned... I looked at myself moaning loudly. There I was... strip of hair, bald stripe, center hair, bald stripe, strip of hair. I looked like some mutant 12 year old with mange.

The worst of it was trying to decide to "fix" it by removing the outer "edges" or just leave it. I eventually decided to leave it because I'm just not exactly the Playboy Bunny Racing Stripe type.

The next day I did tell my Gyno that she was free to laugh when I explained what I'd done. She just told me that nothing phased her, especially after her first "pierced" patient. I had to agree that I guess I'd have thought the same way after that.

You know what really ticked me off though?

I had stubble the next day and 2:00 shadow the day after. All that and it didn't last as long as the scabs from my razor run-in!

Just call me Racing Stripes.