Sleep... What a concept.

I am awake and as I thought I might be... feeling quite rested.

I think last night was probably the best night of sleep I've had in far too long.

I feel so great in fact, I didn't have my usual pinball navigation from the bedroom to the kitchen to make coffee.

The sun is shining, the furnace is running, the coffee is hot and I feel almost normal.

Those are some pretty big changes in this heart of mine.

A picture that changed everything for me

This is a picture of the Tomorrow River. This picture evokes a great deal of emotion for me for a number of reasons. First because it was such a beautiful day. The sun was shining, fall was creeping in... 60+ degree days, 40's at night. Crisp air, leaves just starting to turn, the green beginning to fade to yellows and tans.

Change. Endings. Peace.

The other reason I love this picture so much is the illusion of two children jumping into the water from the tree. If you look at it long enough you begin to see it. Well, at least I can.

For me, it brings back long-cherished memories of days spent jumping off a tree stretched out across the water much like this one. When I close my eyes, I can hear the giggling, the laughter, the shouts... The absolute joy of being a child.

Doing the crazy, semi-dangerous things we did way back when... The things that we survived, with out taking an eye out or breaking our necks... Things the young parents today would be aghast over.

"Hey Dad! Can we ride on the roof of the truck?" Driving down the logging road on the top of the pickup, our legs sticking to the glass of the windshield, laughing like banshees and having the times of our lives.

Being annoyed by your little brother, who has climbed about ten feet high in a tree and who is now terrified to climb down. Telling him to jump. Then watching him bounce when he takes your sarcastic suggestion and jumps. Thanking everything holy that he's alive.

Practically drowning ourselves trying to water ski... "Gees-o-Petes! Let go of the rope when you fall ya' dope!!"

Getting up on them, falling face first into water that felt like concrete and drinking half the lake. Spectacular wipe-outs, bruises, rope burn, then happiness without measure after finally learning how to stay up when you dropped a ski.

Catching crayfish, bullheads and frogs... Feasting on the same.

Days spent flying out of the camper first thing every morning, being whistled in for food.

Outhouses, campfires, and living in your swimsuit for days on end.

Owls, coyotes and the occasional bobcat to scare the living crap out of you just to remind you where you were... Face to face in nature's backyard.

Days and nights with loved ones no longer with us...

Remembering days spent in the woods with my Mom... Grandmas and Grandpa...

Pop cans with jokes in the bottom, flaming marshmallow bombs, pudgy pies, wood ticks, stepping on a pine snake...

Twice. On the same day.

Vowing to never again leave the camper. Getting over it eventually but to this day terrified of the things.

Raccoons... "Oh they're so cute!"

Leaving food out for them the next night only to discover a family of skunks beat them to it. Skunks under the camper... "NOBODY MOVES!"

The end of food left outside!

Days of joy, laughter and fun...

"Foxfire!! We saw real foxfire!"

Huge Luna moths, fireflies dancing, a ballet to end all others.

"Dad! Dad! Look! We found a Walking Stick!"

Scrapes, cuts and sunburns...

"Dad tell him to stop scratching on our tent!"

Screaming and flying out of the tent when my brother answered from where my Dad was.

"Oh, it was just a stick..."

Life. Love.

Memories so intense that even now I can smell the woodsmoke, the lake water, wet dogs and the warmth of the day.

I feel an ache in my chest. It is from emotions as intense as the memories of those long ago summer days.

It is what I have needed so desperately to reconnect with the strength deep inside my heart.

Is it amazing? One photo has pulled me from the abyss I've been skirting for weeks now.

Who needs to be thinner, richer and all the other things?

I have memories of happiness and complete and unending love, both given and received.

I feel the fog of bad emotions and bittersweet memories leaving me and I feel a calming in my bruised soul.

I find myself relaxed and ready to sleep... I'll sleep tonight and I bet I'll dream of the lake, the woods... the joy that my life has held and continues to gather.

Another S.S.D.D.B.P.

For those unfamiliar with one of my favorite sayings, S.S.D.D.B.P. stand for:
Same Sh*t, Different Day, Bigger Pile. Yeah, it seems most days that's the story of my life.

I'm not feeling so wrecked anymore but I'm not completely myself either. I have not yet determined if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I sometimes think I should re-invent myself.

Wouldn't it be fun to re-invent myself as thinner, richer, prettier and utterly happy? I'm sure for some that might be okay... knowing me, I would probably get bored with that too.

Except if I were richer I could be bored in the Caribbean or Hawaii... ah yes, dare to dream.

The reality is that when it's all said and done, I have most everything I need. My Dad, my sisters, my brother, my nieces & nephew and of course my faithful cat (that is currently trying my patience by tearing up the newspaper I haven't read yet.) Even when he's making me nuts, he forces me to feel good. Cats... go figure.

Anyway... just wanted you guys to know I'm still here and still experiencing the run-of-the-mill-just-my-life as unchanged as ever!

Humor... I love it!

A friend sent me this, she doesn't know which columnist wrote it but I certainly appreciate his sense of humor! (plus I really needed a laugh!)

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush "Burials At Sea" for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out loud!

Lizards

I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"I'm serious! Dad, Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her. (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know." she shot back. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience", I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!" the girls shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son said.

So, squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug.

It disappeared.

I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze, honey." his mother noted to him.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be OK?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a young male. Occasionally however, usually as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"You understand what I'm saying, don't you?"

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... excited?" my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny, little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really glad for you helping him, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, snorting with laughter.

Bottom Line:

2 Lizards - $140

1 Cage - $50

Trip to the Vet - $80

Your husband pulling on a lizard's wanker - Priceless.

Emotionally, Monday was a breeze.

This is an image I picture in my mind

when I need to calm or relax myself.

It reminds me of a great day.

The sound of the crashing waves,

the occasional barks of the seals,

the warmth of the sun on my skin.

I try very, very hard not to think

about the other details of that day.

It was a time when I thought I was

sharing the day with my family.

Now, painfully I know it will never

happen again. It will only be a

memory that grows dimmer

with each passing day...

I feel so sad that this post has been rewritten about twelve times. My minds eye can't keep up with thoughts swirling within it. It just now occurred to me that I am running the gamut of the same emotions I felt after first being diagnosed with my cancer.

Disbelief, yes... I guess that was first, but it didn't last long.

Denial, again yes... I think there was a small part of me inside hoping that this wasn't for real.

Acceptance, yes... I feel that, but it's becoming so very much harder to do.

Fear? No, that's about the only one I don't feel. Not too surprising, what's to fear? Well, maybe I'm wrong there... Right now I fear that my feelings of late will plague me for far too long.

Anger, yes... I'm there in a very big way. I try to rein it in, I try to slip back into acceptance, but the anger is not about to step back so easily. I was taking something out of the fridge earlier and spied a photo I had missed when I'd taken the others down.

I then realized there was something else stuck up there I missed removing as well. I took them both down and before I knew it, I ripped them to shreds. I was also quite shocked when I discovered I was crying. So I just sat down on the floor in front of the fridge, held my face in my hands and cried. My thoughts alternating between anger and depression.

I can't decide which emotion rips at me more, the anger or the sadness and depression. There is a bloody rip across my heart and I know that it will be there for a long time to come.

I remember reading or hearing a line that keeps repeating itself in my thoughts, (if anyone knows who the author is please let me know) It's:

"They say that anger is just love disappointed..."

Boy, isn't that the truth?

I sit here now and it dawns on me that I don't even want to do this.

It's been Monday with a vengeance, no joke...

On days like these, I spend most of it wondering, "Exactly what is the reason I'm not curled up in a ball under my bed covers?"

I have no real answer for that... and yes, it does scare me because I really should know that!

Here's the "official" sequence the day was supposed to take. Four easy little steps.

1) Go to friend's house to wait for repair guy.

2) Plan on waiting a while as the arrival time was a choice of either, morning or afternoon. Wisely picked afternoon because of the innate ability to still be walking into door frames during much of the "morning" choice.

3) Call relative that needs to teach you the correct way to embroider. Tell her that you'll be there, waiting for repair guy so she can come over to fix the total mess you've made trying to do it by yourself.

4) Tell her she can come anytime after 11:00 a.m. because even if repair guy is early, it's still close to her house and she doesn't have to come all the way to your house.

Now how could a plan like that fail?

When the sequence of events goes like this:

1) Forget to reset alarm, wake up late.

2) Run around like crazy, go slamming out to the car.

3) Car doesn't start, only goes, "Er-rar-rar-rar" because it hasn't been run for many, many days.

4) Try to think of someone that could come jump start it.

5) Remember reading something in the car manual about not doing this. (Yes, laugh... I read manuals! But it sure saved my butt today!!)

6) Take manual back into house. Find pages that tell you in no uncertain terms that jump starting is not advised because it can fry the car's brain box. Moan loud enough to make cat pick his head up and look at you.

7) Decide that it will be best to let it warm up a bit outside, maybe this will help. Decide time is not yet into the danger zone. Outdoor temperature is much higher. Go outside and try it again. It doesn't go "Er-rar-rar-rar" this time. It attempts to cough to life then floods.

8) Go back in the house.

9) Resist the overwhelming urge to scream. Do ten deep cleansing breaths, then head out to try once more. HOLY CRAP!! It worked!

10) Drive away from house. Drive to within 4 miles of friend's house. Remember you still didn't find your misplaced friend's house key.

11) Swear.

12) Turn around. Halfway back home remember friend's daughter has key!

13) Alter course to navigate to her "out-of-the-way-from-where-you-are" place of employment.

14) Reach the school and realize that it's President's Day and there's no school.

15) Swear. Again.

16) Realize it's almost "afternoon". Realize that repair guy might be early. Remember that relative is probably waiting there too.

17) Swear. Big, honking swears!

18) Wonder vaguely what a stroke feels like.

19) Call relative, leave a message... she's not home, this could be bad.

20) Return home, call repair guy to tell him you're not there. Hope desperately that he does not already know this.

21) Day begins to look up when you discover he hasn't been there and you can reschedule. Yay!

22) Leave more messages to relative... Freak out.

23) Drive to friend's home to check for relative. She's not there. Try to hope this is a good thing.

24) Wonder if the Miracle Blades will work for Hari-Kari.

25) Aunt calls. She's not wigged out. Says, "Heck yeah! Come on over!!"

26) Aunt makes you laugh, makes you coffee and shows you how to not screw up the embroidery.

27) Realize you can't find your keys.

28) Hear your Aunt call you by your first and middle name. This makes you smile.

29) Walk to car, look in window and discover car keys lying on front seat.

30) Get weak-kneed with relief when driver's door isn't locked!

31) Return home, call Dad. Start telling him about your day.

32) Phone battery dies. Call him back on cell phone and tell him you're going to bed until March.

33) Post the exciting events of your day and laugh at how simple yesterday was when compared to today.

34) Turn off computer and go to bed.

Good-night.

Fair Warning... This one may make you go Eewww!

This one can also be called "Life Is Fun On Blood Thinners" or my favorite...
"The Blood Thinners, the Nosebleed and Feminine Hygiene Products"

As you know, I've been in the house for many days. I've also been going through the difference between warm, dry air and cold, crappy air, physical and emotional turmoil... And on and on.

One of the things I've been doing a lot is sneezing, followed by the inevitable blowing of my nose... I did that once too often yesterday I guess, and the result was of fairly major proportions. I started bleeding from my nose. A lot. It was literally gushing.

While I'm not surprised at the speed with which it's flowing because I am after all, on blood thinners. I wasn't expecting after a few minutes of "pinching and head back etc. etc." to go into the bathroom and be surprised at the amount of blood on the towel.

Then I took it away from my face. Gush. So I'm thinking to myself, "This is going to go on forever. What should I do?" I decided that it was too soon to think of going to the ER as it hadn't been that long yet.

That's when a memory from my youth bobbed up to the surface of my mind. While I can't remember if it was Scouts or Hunter Safety classes... Although further reflection on my part, now makes me think it was most likely hunter classes because I remembered the great embarrassment I felt when we were instructed to use sanitary napkins in first aid, because there were boys there.

Back then (yes, this alluding to my age) we girls were embarrassed to learn that we had to use something like that, much less actually having a male instructor holding a pad and explaining that it makes a world class compression bandage!

Back to my bathroom...when this thought pops into my head I'm thinking, "I don't have any pads..." Followed by, "It is a nostril, which is essentially an orifice..."

So now you know what I did.

I sit down in my chair and recline back, pinching the nose and doing all the other "nosebleed" stuff. Then my nose is getting rather uncomfortable. I'm checking my watch... not too long, just a couple of minutes... gees... it feels weird and rather odd... and then ow, ow, ow! It's getting fairly painful!

I get up and walk into the bathroom. As I'm looking in the mirror at myself, laughing so hard I'm crying (well, some of it could have been the discomfort too) I realize the pain is stemming from the fact that the heretofore "unspoken item" in my nose has done its job... Think about it a second. They're absorbent and they.... keep thinking... That's right, they swell.

This was not exactly a good thing because one: It was obvious there was some very heavy bleeding still occurring and two: It hurts like crazy!!

So I end up taking it out and when I do... it's an immediate outpouring. So I call the lady next door and she drives me to the ER. All this while I have been holding a towel to my face because I obviously don't want anyone to see what's up my nose. Yes, I had to use another one to make it to the hospital.

When I get there this stupid nurse (in full view of others) wants to look at it and have me tell her if it looks worse (more "advancement of color") than before. I give her a look that seems to convey my staunch refusal to not comply with her request... She didn't ask again. In hindsight, it was more than likely just the look I shot her... it probably scared the crap out of her.

Whatever works...

A bit later they use this "hema-stat-something-or-other" to curb the bleeding, They couldn't cauterize the bleeding vein because it was to high up in my nose to see. Another reason I was bleeding so bad... it was a larger vessel than the usual nosebleed culprits.

I end up going home feeling (yes, this pun is intended!) drained. I went to bed at the crack of dusk and slept off the remaining aftereffects of a lousy day.

Now I'm on my way out to do stuff I shouldn't and hurt myself further... lets hear it for my life!!

Yay.

Boredom can be a cruel thing...

I was surfing and came upon this quote and I think it is a fairly good description of me.

"I am an anomaly and an anachronism, but I'm not alone."
-Author Unknown

Also... It's a whole six degrees! Yay! It's getting warmer like they said! Wow, they were right for once (even though six is still a far cry from the predicted 20's, at least the temp is going up!)

I'm not so bummed out today. Even though leaving the house tomorrow seems a lifetime away.

Our first "real" winter days all year

We should really be happy that this is the first time all winter we've experienced prolonged below zero weather.

We're all acting like a bunch of babies & wussies. This wouldn't have been more than a blip on the radar screen of winters past. It's a lively -14 this morning. We set a new overnight low of -22, with a wind chill of -42. While yes, everybody has forgotten that temperatures like this are the norm... it still blows. Speaking of blowing, the wind has calmed considerably this morning so the wind chills are only a few degrees below the actual temperature. I guess that's something to happy about.

I think I'm feeling the dreaded Cabin Fever coming on. I've only been house bound for what, five days now? I can't even imagine what it was like back in the 1800's and 1900's when settlers and pioneers were in their cabins for months on end... cabins that were the size of my bedroom for all the people in the family! Yeah... I would have lost it too.

It's easy to see how it came to be termed Cabin Fever, there were so many murders and psychotic breaks that occurred during those times what else could they call it?

I find myself pacing like a neurotic caged panther in a zoo. I feel like one too.

Did you know that when you see that relentless pacing at a zoo, it is caused solely by captivity? I also just recently learned that when a predator of any kind (big cats, bears etc.) begins exhibiting the pacing and other signs of captivity getting to them, how they are cared for behind the scene is radically altered?

While these animals have been (or should have been) handled carefully and cautiously as large predators all along, once they begin this behavior they are pretty much placed on what could be termed "Instinct Watch" ?

This means that handlers have extra watchers standing by with tranquilizer darts and sadly, rifles with live ammunition in the event of an attack during any zoo personnel interaction with said animals. And in some instances, the animals are so unstable that any time a handler has to get near them they are routinely shot with tranqs and out cold before the people step in. Large animals that receive constant sedation, as a rule, run the risk of premature death almost 20% higher than the norm.

Once a zoo animal has begun to exhibit the neurotic behavior of chronic pacing, it is nearly 60% more likely to attack without warning. This sad reality even applies to animals that have been born in captivity.

These animals also exhibit behaviors they would never do in the wild. The picture below is a prime example of this. It's a picture of a "Liger" this is an animal that was produced by a male lion impregnating a tiger. There are also "Tions" which are the reverse. (I may have reversed the names to which is which...)

Forgetting for a moment that lions and tigers live on separate continents and wouldn't have the opportunity to breed, in the wild, they both would kill any other species that would attempt cross-breeding. Picture a cheetah trying to mate with a lion...

So the animal below only exists because of man's interference and so called "superiority" over animals. And just plain, flat-out stupidity at creating an atmosphere in which something like this was even possible.

Okay, I'll get down from my soapbox now. While I understand and can appreciate the attempts to keep animal in zoos because of nearing and/or actual extinction in the wild... I know I'll never go to another zoo. Not after watching that show... I cried my eyes out and it made me sad beyond words. I really wonder about us as a species sometimes.

Okay, talk about going off on a tangent!! Me, I blame it on the Cabin Fever.

And just an aside... The woman in this picture is out of her fricking mind. Did she not hear about what happened to Siegfried?? Attacked by a fifth-generation, born in captivity and raised by his own hand animal?! She's nuts. I thought this was cool when I first got it in an email. Now I just feel downhearted about it. I think it's time for a nap.

On days like this, even "normal" people want out of this!

It was butt biting cold when I got up this morning. Two whole degrees with a windchill of -11. It's a little past 4 p.m. and the sun has been shining brightly all day and glaring off of the 12 to 14 inches of snow we got yesterday... and it's colder than first thing this morning! With a whopping -4 with a windchill of -27! Figures.

Everyone I know that had a choice in the matter stayed put and did not venture out. I don't plan to head out until at least Monday if at all possible. It's supposed to get quite warm by then.

Highs are predicted to be 20 above!

Reminding myself to put it in perspective... Alaska, Canada etc. are easily in the double-digits below without windchill... but it's also in the mid to high eighties in the south so I can rag if I want to.

All right, enough ragging.

I have come across a couple of new smartass, dark humor lines that I get a kick out of. There is a TV channel I get on my cable provider that has started showing a crime drama out of Canada by the title of Da Vinci's Inquest.

It was a little odd at first but I've become accustomed to the cadence, accents and how the characters interact with one another and I've really gotten into it. (It's not nearly as bad as the movie "Fargo" accents and cadence of speech but it's slightly similar) The show centers around the Vancouver Canada Coroner and Police Services. Hence the line that I think I'm going to have put on a t-shirt...

"Our lights go on, when yours go off." spoken by the lead Homicide Detective.

Followed up by, "Half the people in this city haven't got a pulse. It doesn't mean they're dead." spoken by the Chief Coroner.

I really think the first one is the best. I can just imagine hearing some cop friends saying something like that. You know what they say, "For a good time call S.W.A.T." I don't remember what I did with that t-shirt... I should look for that one.

I joined one of these "Videos mailed to you" services with a well known outfit. I'm certainly loving it. Especially on days like today. Open the mailbox, all right!! Dvds to watch! Screw the weather! It's also great for nights like tonight when there is absolutely nothing on that isn't a repeat! I hate when that happens. I'm also fresh out of new books. Worked a bit on mine but I've just been too distracted since I got back so I'm stepping away from it for awhile.

I'm trying to decide on a supper choice... and it's a dilemma of sorts. I can pick a big honking salad, (what I should have) tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwhich (always a cold day favorite!) Wheat Chex (a definate possibility in the "I don't-care-and-refuse-to-expend-any-energy-to-actually-make-something" catagory)

My dilemma comes from the fact that I had Wheat Chex for breakfast, salads for the last four days in a row (the mere thought of lettuce makes me have to swallow hard) there's no cheese for a grilled cheese sammie because I used it up on the salads and lastly I'm out of eggs so I can't even use that as a fall back choice.

I guess Ill have to cruise through the cupboards once more and see if I can't find something. Hopefully I'll be able to cobble something together and then hit the store as soon as the weather isn't deadly for my lungs. Somehow I'm prettty much thinking I'll be having Wheat Chex. Why not? I need the fiber!

Say warm! (Insert manical laughter here.)

Forget Prozac... where's the codiene?

Oh yeah... shoveled what I could. And am paying for it dearly. I could barely get my coat off, must have had close to seven inches out there and the snowing hasn't slacked off yet.

Since I was out there (perhaps an hour ago) there is already close to an inch more. Estimations say anywhere from 8 to 12 inches. What really sucks is that now the wind is really starting to whip and the snow has begun to drift.

Don't get me wrong... it is beautiful... but I will be miserable for the next couple of days because of the reality of it.

So, do you wish you were me? Didn't think so.

It's snowing. Anybody got some spare Prozac?

Ah, yes... another snow filled day in the Not-So-Great-White-North.

Today I awoke to the opposite of the cave phenomenon in my bedroom. I could hear the hissing sound of the continuously falling snow against the windows. The room was illuminated to a milky gossamer of subdued brightness from the snow.

For all the complaining I do about the snow, I can't deny its beauty. This morning I find my world filled with soft quiet... a calming...

I cradle a mug of coffee in my hands and I look out the window into my backyard.

The snow coats the tree limbs.

The Bittersweet berries I didn't prune last fall have a fine layer of snow on them, their color reminiscent of fire, the snow... pure white.

Mother Earth and her daughter, Mother Nature at their best...

I guess I won't be needing Prozac after all.

Yay! The sun's out! Oh crap... it's -7 wind chill.

This is a picture I wish I could take credit for (and perhaps even be able to see it for real before I die.) It is of the Mac Glacier in Alaska. It was taken by an outstanding young woman by the name of Zoya DeNure. The daughter of a friend, Zoya is a former model that worked runways around the world (And retired at the young age of 23!) then moved to Alaska and is now a musher, doing racing, rescuing and the training of sled dogs! Go check out her website at: http://www.dogsleddenali.com She is one incredible young woman and what she and her wonderful husband have done should be commended on the highest levels! Kudos! John & Zoya!!!

While our weather doesn't compare to Alaska's (ours is more like... hmmm...a sauna?) But the legendary wind chill in my world has once again sucker punched us. We didn't get much snow yesterday... and I was really glad. Then we got the temp drop and the wind fired up... why exactly do they tell us the wind chill? We're already a combination of bitchy, crabby and cold... do they think this will make us feel any better? Jerks.

Enough ranting. I need more coffee. There that's better. I even managed to remember to put the pot under the basket and everything! Ludie is settling down some... he even got off the bed before I did this morning. That's a big indicator that he's relaxing. He is still however, jumping into my lap the moment I sit down. He makes himself comfy and then lets out this little contented sigh and proceeds to snooze. He's so cute! For all his foibles, he really is a calming influence for me.

I'm not feeling so great yet today. The cold is making my bones hurt and I'm fighting a killer headache from last night. It's not a migraine but more like sinus pain, probably due to the returning to the cold and damp from the hot and dry. Yeah, life is good.

Tomorrow the cold front that's pushing in from the Rockies is supposed to cause us some healthy precipitation. Yeah, I'm looking forward to that, kinda like I'd look forward to getting poked in the eye with a sharp stick. Me, I'm actually anticipating staying in my house and ranting about how much the weather sucks on my blog. Well, maybe not...

At least I'm happy it's sunny out. I don't feel so blah... I finally finished all the trip laundry and I like the way it makes the house smell so fresh and clean. I can almost pretend it's like when it starts turning nice in the spring and you open up the windows after the winter is over and take in all that delicious fresh air.

I put the suitcase away which made Ludie very happy. He freaked a little when I picked it up but wound himself around my ankles purring loudly when I was shoving it up onto the closet shelf. Poor thing... my going away really bothers him even when I have someone staying here. I'm still "Mom" and he misses me. (Everyone together now... AAwwww!)

My plan for the next couple of days is to lay low and finish a couple of the projects I started but didn't completely finish before I left for Arizona. I don't want to fall back into the same of pattern as before. I made great progress in my re-organization skills and need to stay that way. Things were just out of hand before and now I can't believe how simple it is to remain that way.

Previously I would be living out of my various luggage etc. for a week or more. Now, everything is where it's supposed to be... very cool. The basement is still a black hole but I can't change that until early summer because the basement isn't heated (all the pipes are insulated to keep them from freezing) and I just can't function pain-wise until it warms up.

Once that happens, Goodwill and/or Salvation Army is going to make a haul. All the stuff that has been packed away for the family "that is no longer" (hey, it's sort of like "Those-we-don't-speak-of..." HA!) is getting pitched or sold. I'm not being vindictive, just practical.

I guess that's all for now. I have the motivation to get busy and I've wasted enough time. If I push past this, I'll procrastinate and that's the beginning of the end...

Oh joy. It's snowing.

I knew it was going to be "one of those days", no let me amend that... most people have "One of those days" I have "one of those lives!" HA!

It wasn't hard to tell it was snowing. When the alarm went off at 9:30 my room was like a cave. Even though I purposely have black-out shades, the cave look only comes during rain, snow and the middle of the night.

I was also aware of the change in the weather thanks to the growing pain level during the night. I was up three or four times, unable to get comfortable. I have appointments today so I don't have the option of blowing the day off.

I think about staying home for a minute then I do like I do so many days like this... grit my way through it and wonder, when it will get better? Never. Okay, there's the quick answer.

To quote a line of from one of my all time favorite cartoon characters, "These gray, dreary days certainly let you savor a bad mood."

Good call Calvin.

Why it's nice to be home... a comedy

Yes, I've trudged my way back, and it's good to be home! Although being heavily medicated and in deep denial helps. A lot.

Even though Arizona is always a wonderful place to be for a reduction of my standard pain factor and pulmonary problems, traveling to and from is always painfully difficult for me. Thus the heavy medication.

Today was one of those "top-of-the-pain-food-chain" kind of days. It was helpful and comforting to be in my own bed, but it also took me literally three or four minutes just to get out of bed and then (hanging on to the nightstand for dear life so I don't fall) at least a minute more to stand up straight. No joke. It sucks.

I had to wear a button up shirt today because I can't lift my arms up to put a t-shirt on. Hopefully in the next few days the pain will ratchet down to more tolerable levels. The sooner the better, but of course it's not something I can control.

I've heard we are supposed to get snow these next few days... yeah, just jumping for joy over that thought. I've been seriously thinking about how successful using my leaf blower might be instead of shoveling... I mean if it's not some of that really heavy wet crap isn't it worth a try? Could be fun. You know, it could be fun just to play outside with the leaf blower. (I'm medicated and tired... humor me!)

Poor Ludie is settling down some...

Read that as: he's finally stopped screaming when I'm out of his line of sight and he has also stopped running into the back of my legs when I walk anywhere that may cause a "out of the line of sight" moment for him.

I was afraid if he kept it up he was going to give himself a concussion. I'm not quite sure if I'd be able to tell if he got one or not though. He can be such a light-colored cat sometimes! HA!

He hasn't stopped jumping into my lap whenever I sit (that doesn't bother me... I missed that! There I said it!) but I worry about his throat because he purrs so hard he chokes. (Prrr...prrr... rrrrr...rrrr prrrr...yak! aak!) That got him launched a couple of times because I thought he was bringing up a fur ball. Eeww...

I guess this is it for today. I'm not doing too well being in any one position for very long. I'm hoping that improves soon too. And after due consideration, it is good to be back home. I'm writing that with a straight face... I am!

My last night in another world...

Well, tomorrow it's back to reality. I dread the thought. I am exhausted from a full day of miles of walking. My back and hip are screaming at me because all the streets in the 5th Avenue Art Festival and Scottsdale Old Town are cobblestone and a killer even with my cane.

We had a great day, ate some delectable food and to end our stay... a Room Service Crem`e Brule... TOO GOOD TO DESCRIBE!

I know after the day we had today, and traveling back to the snow and cold tomorrow, it'll be a miracle if I'm able to walk on Sunday.

Well, I'm closing now as I have yet to pack and yikes, what a job that will be! Next time you hear from me, I'll be back home in the Not-so-great-North!

Heaven help me!

I'm getting tan!!!

It's night in the desert, and it is lovely. I was watching the most incredible grace and choreography of the bats that are feeding around the lights in the parking lots. It is like watching a ballet. I stand in the semi-darkness of the night near the hotel and watch then swoop and swerve. It is almost magical and mystic. It calms me. I think it's beautuful.

Did some cruising in the PT. Found another little shopping adventure in Fountain Hills that I think Lor will enjoy, then we're off to a Festival of the Arts in Scottsdale. Even though Scottsdale in notoriously expensive... they do have incredible artwork and not all of it requires a second mortgage...

I am working very hard and staying firmly on the "Complete Train Of Denial" when it comes to thoughts of returning home.

More later...

In the Valley of the Sun... kind of...

Well, trip hysteria came and went. I made my flight (didn't even go to bed) As always the trip was uneventful... well except for the near miss mid-air collision when we were on final approach into Sky Harbor! What a strange experience that was!

I wanted to post yesterday but there were internet access troubles in our room. Luckily, we got them resolved, so here's a handy wrap up of things, flights... made 'em, luggage... got 'em, car... got it with some quirks but a good deal!

We got to the car rental place and everything is going smoothly but the guy didn't write down the plate number (he's new) so after wandering around the garage with probably an easy 100 cars, he decides screw it and changed the paperwork and viola! We got a PT Cruiser Convertible!

This was actually a very lucky thing as we would have literally had to drive back to the airport because of all the luggage. I didn't have to bring as much, my companions had quite a bit because they needed to have work, dress and evening clothes etc.etc.

The only other snag was the car rental guy... also because he's new, he gave us totally whacked out directions, we were so lost (and NOT in a neighborhood you wanted to be in!) it took us more than an hour just to reach the point where we got to the point to where the original "40 minutes from the airport timeframe" we should have had all along.

So part of my errands for today included getting directions from the concierge. Bing, bang, boom... right up to the front door of the car rental place. Did a "uiey" and thought, "Cool! Now we don't have to leave super early on saturday morning to make the airport!

Today it got to around 86 degrees and it seems very strange to think that I'm on the same planet where just yesterday I was entering the airport with a whopping 6 degrees on the temperature gauge!

Today was also a day of, well, I don't know how to say it... good byes and new beginnings. I just took the day at face value and went toolin' around with the top down, the tunes blasting, the sun shining and my hair whipping around in such a way that it'll probably take a half a bottle of conditioner to comb out the tangles.


I have no regrets, a little sadness, but mainly just answers to my questions and now I don't have to worry anymore. The door is closed. There is a part of me that wishes for it could have stayed open longer, but such is life.

Well, I'm hungry so it's off to find food. My partners in crime are sadly attending an evening function both would have loved to ditch out of!

Me? After dinner, it's Invasion, the last two chapters of my book about the history of Scotland Yard and early bed. Tomorrow I plan to spend the morning in the pool (no direct sunlight) then sit outside and work on my writing! I love this laptop big time when it comes to that!

Ludie figures it out...

Ludie is now aware of the impending trip and he is not happy!

When I got the suitcase out to start packing the things I won't be using anymore before I leave, he took one look at the suitcase and started complaining.

He's also protesting vigorously by lying on the cover and having a fit each time I make him get off to put something in it. I should have put everything in a garbage bag and packed it in the car on the way to the airport the morning I leave. (That'd be because Lori's driving)

He's making me nuts with his caterwauling and I can feel the pressure beginning to build, a sure sign the pre-trip hysteria is on it's way. Good, because I'm starting to slow down and I've even considered watching the Super Bowl instead of taping it.

Not a good idea... I must fight the urge to slack off!! I guess one really good way to do that would be to get off the computer, eh?

T-minus 38 hours and counting...

Hate to be leaving this kind of scenery.... cold, dreary, barren...

I don't have everything on my To-do List done but I've made major headway so I'm content to settle down and relax a bit and soon head off to bed. Pretty good for me seeing it's just a little past midnight!

I did make a command decision for tomorrow though... my alarm clock in the bedroom is on the dresser so I will need to get out of bed to turn it off. The back-up is in the living room. It's a shame I'll be wearing tee-shirts and shorts this coming week because my legs and arms are going to look like somebody kicked the crap out of me.

On the other hand, I will be in the living room so the chances are quite good that I will be forced to stay up for real. What the hell, since my "cardiac episode" in early December, the heart medication I'm on now has to be taken at 2 p.m. and I usually take a nap by 3. I thought that would wear off as I progressed but I think it's just the push of a med that is being absorbed into a body with sub-par sleep issues, that makes me so drowsy. But I can't deny I need the rest.

I guess that's about it. Tomorrow is the big Super Bowl. I won't watch it but I'll probably tape it. Not so much for the game as for the commercials. They're great! I'll maybe start out watching it and if it's a good back and forth game I may watch the whole thing.

Some friends of mine are going to be there. They're from Pittsburg so this is a complete rush for them! Go Steelers!

But to be fair I have to say, Go Seahawks! too... sorry, I've still got a thing for Mike! HA! Here's hoping the commercials are Super Bowl-worthy!!

Mr. Bill

Mr. Bill the Great Blue Heron

Great Blue Herons are plentiful where I live and I've seen them most of my life. This particular bird has adopted some friends of mine at their home in the sunny south. When I visited last spring I got this picture and a dozen more.

Up here in The-Not-Necessarily-The-Great-White North last summer, I stalked one with my camera for more than a week. Even going so far as to borrow a hunting blind and getting into it before dawn. No luck.

So I guess the moral of the story is, "You never know what will happen when you travel. You may get a very pleasant surprise!"

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed.

Twisted humor

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully aged 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in - and things just started to go downhill from there.

Coffee... nectar of the gods & why it will be a bad day.

As usual, when the alarm went off this morning, I hit the snooze. Then I hit it again. Then when I woke up because I had to pee... that's when I discovered the snooze on my relatively new alarm, stops sounding after the snooze is pushed twice. So... I'm late starting the day. (cool shark, eh?)

So after I quit bitching to myself about not catching the 2-punch rule when I read the manual of the new clock, (Yeah, go ahead and laugh) I got up.

As per the norm of my life... mornings are hard for me.

This is usually due to the fact that my average bedtime can be anytime between 3 & 5 a.m. or it can just be that I wake up so many times during the night because of pain and discomfort. Just my body's quirky little responses to doing something like unloading the washing machine and so on, sets it off pretty handily.

There are about a million other things including the weather too. And to think I use to secretly laugh and roll my eyes when my Grandpa would say, "Ah-yup... we're gonna get some rain, my knees are just-a throbbing!"

Now? I could give a hands-down, better, more accurate forecast then any of the weather guys, oh excuse me... "meteorologists" around here do. In actuality, pretty much anyone could, as they usually tell you something along the lines of, "We could get some precipitation overnight with flurries and maybe even up to a few or so inches of accumulation."

Is it just me or did he just say, "Basically you people should just look outside tomorrow morning and figure out if you have to shovel or not, because I don't have a fricking clue!"?

But I digress... back to having a bad day. I am not the steadiest person in the world, first thing in the morning. I often times do things like walk into doorframes. I've only recently realized just how often I do this because of the bruises on my shoulders, forearms and the like because of being on the blood thinners.

Picture this: Step out of the shower... glance up... see a reflection in the mirror... AGH! Oh... nevermind... it's just me. Followed quickly by, "What the hell... now how did I get that one?! Eew! Is that grape juice injected under my skin... Cripes!"

I fall into many of the "joke" categories, my favorite is, "Not a morning person doesn't begin to cover it!" followed by "I'm up and dressed what more do you want?"

This morning was pretty standard, I bashed my knee coming out of the bedroom and my shoulder going into the kitchen. Yup, that's gonna leave a mark. Because of my morning handicap, I have devised a system in which I have a water container that holds the exact amount of water I want. All I have to do is take it out of the fridge and dump it into the coffee maker. Then I put the coffee filled basket where it belongs, then hit the switch.

Time to pee. Gee... things thus far are going well! For whatever reason, all my animals to date like to join me when I go potty. If I dare to close the door, I hear about. So do the neighbors. Ludie immitates a tornado siren with amazing clarity.

Back to the bathroom... Ludie joins me to chat. You know, some day when he's gone, I'm going to have a really tough time without that "cat and his slave" quality time. Suddenly he bolts from the bathroom and no... ya potty minds... it wasn't because it was stinky in there!

I am washing my hands and smelling the coffee and thinking, "Hhmm.. it doesn't usually smell so strongly..." I turn the water off and I become aware of a sound. I notice Ludie run into the living room, look at me, then race back into the kitchen...

At this point I'm thinking, "Is this his Lassie imitation?" as I head to the kitchen. I clear the kitchen door frame (without walking into it! Yay!!) and I realize that I never put the pot under the coffee basket. I did dishes last night and it was in the dish rack.

So there I am with a coffee maker is about half empty with coffee running everywhere... it's still half full of water, the warming plate is hissing and spitting and I have to try and lean over the coffee maker (which, by the way is on a metal freestanding cupboard unit) to get to the plug which is also behind the microwave!

I managed to get it unplugged and surveyed the disaster. I sopped up what I could with rag towels, dumped the remaining water from the maker, hung it upside down in the sink and went back to bed. I didn't care how much I've got to get done, this was the best option all around.

I spent about 45 minutes curled up in a fetal position under my blankets until I finally convinced myself that I could do okay without coffee. I was wrong about that... I took the coffee maker apart, dried everything off with a hair dryer and made my second pot of the day.

I'm just finishing my last cup of coffee for the day, I am roughly 4 & 1/2 hours behind on my "Getting Ready For The Trip" schedule but hey...I'm now wired for sound! It should be a piece of cake! Mmmm... I wish I had some cake, Ooo, some chocolate cake... then I could have a sugar buzz too!

Hey, there's caffeine in chocolate too... sweet... It's a good thing our "flurries" only dumped 3 inches of snow last night. Or I'd probably talk myself down from the diet ledge and go find some cake. I am so hopeless...

Hey! What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that tears your leg off, then runs for help.

"Good boy Sharky! Go get Mom & Dad!!!"

Winding down for the day

So here I am, just a few days away from heading out to Arizona, this a picture of a storm coming over Camelback Mountain in Phoenix the last time I was there. I love this shot because it is such a rare shot of rain as it moves in.

At this particular moment in time I am very Zen about the trip. That will change in about 24 hours when I will suddenly slip into "Cripes! I don't have (state your name... kidding...) "whatever-hasn't-been-done-yet-pre-trip" hysteria mode. After all the trips and adventures I've had, one would think this shouldn't happen.

Well, shoulda' woulda' coulda...

No matter how anal retentive I can be... I will never completely overcome this particular personality trait. Probably because I thrive on it. Besides if I didn't freak out I wouldn't be relaxed enough to sleep on the plane. There's a lot to be said for sheer exahaustion.

The forecast for the greater Phoenix area is for 70's during the day to 40's overnight. This forecast will most likely be much worse as the Rain Goddess will be traveling there.

I will explain "The Rain Goddess: A Comprehensive Study" at a later date.

A small example would be that I'm one of the rare people that can say they've been to the Grand Canyon and never seen it.

Why, you ask?

Because the Rain Goddess went there in March a few years back and they had one of the worst snowstorms in nearly 40 years. We couldn't see 10 feet in front of the car much less the South Rim. It wasn't a surprise to any of my family that was for sure!

I am expecting to see and photograph scenery such as this- (yellow flowers below) We'll actually be staying at a Resort in Scottsdale/Fountain Hills area which is actually to the northwest of Phoenix. Because it's nestled near the mountains it will probably be a little cooler anyway.

I'm hoping for some good Sonoran desert color and hopefully some spectacular sunsets. Well, since I can't manipulate this picture where I want it and will stay on far too long if I continue to mess with it I should be saying good-night.

Good Night!

Fresh Out Of The Gate

Hello,

Here I am, starting an endeavor no one will probably ever read but I plan to have fun with it! My blog is called I'm still here after all these years! and it is a nod to my everyday life as a cancer survivor.

I have been fighting for my life for 20 long and arduous years. I'd be lying if I didn't admit I've had numerous days when I seriously wondered if it has all been worth it. But just then something really special happens... (like being at the births of my best friend's children!) and things don't seem so overwhelming.

I live in pain 24/7 but on the really bad days I remind myself of a line from a movie about a woman trying to survive a special ops bootcamp (I figure I can't just use the movie title) The line? "Most importantly, pain lets you know you're still alive..."

I've always thought that craving chocolate would be a better way... well, no... not for me, I always crave chocolate! And I crave caffeine and Bunny Tracks ice cream, and cookies, and pizza and...

So okay, by now you have figured out that yes, I'm "under-tall" although I would probably have to be about 6'6" to be considered "height/weight proportional" (I'm 5'10"... okay I was before I started shrinking. Hey! It happens!)

As one of my two, teen-aged, size-3-wearing nieces would say, "Yeah, so what's your point?" You know, I'm not sure anymore... let me scroll up and figure out what I was actually on a rant about.

Got it, cancer survivor. My particular type of cancer is a bone cancer that is quite rare and quite aggressive. It took aggressive measures to get me in remission (and again and again five times!) Those included seven thoracotomies ("cracking" open the chest and removing tumor, ribs, lung tissues, muscles, a few pieces of other things here and there etc. etc.) the removal of three separate organs, two separate, distinct and lengthly chemotherapy courses... and bald for almost two years! (Feel free to sing the last line to the 12 days of... well, you know...)

Between all the internal shifting and the "connecting" of internal parts that would normally not be connected to one another... it's not very comfortable at times. The real damage (and daily challenges) come from simply trying to deal with severe neurological pain, artifacts left behind after the cutting and resultant scarring of the thoracic nerves in my chest.

I have a friend that refers to my chest as, "Thoracic Park" she's a smartass and I love her dearly for it. Although, when you couple this with my many physical limitations... well it's a recipe for disaster on many fronts.

It is the challenges of everyday life, and the realization that the alternative is not being here, that keeps me going whenever I get too low. Yes, I can shovel snow, and I can vacuum, and take wet clothes out of the washer... but it often requires the use of medications both before and after that gives me the ability to not crawl into bed and just curl up in a ball under the covers... well, on most days anyway.

A lot of people look at me and I can tell they're thinking, "Who the hell is she tryin' to fool?" It is at those times when I wish I could just reach out and touch them, enabling them to physically feel, just for a moment, what I live with.

My Doctor once told me I had the pain tolerance of a Mack truck. This has always made me weirdly pleased... turns out he was probably right. Case in point, two dear friends were helping me get a fridge up my very steep apartment stairs. In hindsight I'm thinking they'd probably would have preferred to move a body.

Long story short... the testosterone fairy bonked them on the head, so they decided they could remove the old fridge (the one that had taken six guys to bring up!) and when it was all said and done... I was on the bottom of a pile that consisted of a big guy, then a refrigerator and the other guy having to crawl over the fridge to get me out from under!

So after the intial ranting (because I was very angry...) I'm at the ER to get x-rays of my wrist. This would be the same wrist that made a very odd popping sound as the fridge came tumbling down. Of course, doc looks at it, turns it a bit, orders x-rays... and he's pretty much figuring it's just sprained.

It wasn't. It was broken in three places. The ER doc had been thinking it would turn out unbroken because I hadn't been crying! It was set and casted and I spent the next six weeks being really pissed because casts are such a pain in the ass!

Of course there are days when I think that I wouldn't mind a stiff shot (or 4) of Southern Comfort (a funny or maybe that should be fuzzy reminder of my sometimes misspent youth!) Unfortunately, seeing as liquor is a respiratory depressant and my lungs are severely compromized... it's best to just remember what it'd be like to take a shot for old times sake. Because the reality of actually drinking could literally make me stop breathing in my sleep.

See, now I tend to view that as a bad thing.

Plus... if I did a shot, I'd probably be falling down drunk seeing as I haven't had any kind of alcohol for around 20 years! (Is this the part where I'd be considered a cheap date?) Not that I was a lush before, mind you, and I will readily 'fess up that there were a few occasions where someone was holding my hair and goin' "Eew! Are those flecks of gold? Cripes, when did you drink that!" Chances are the gold flecked "intake" was what precipitated the gold flecked "out-pouring". Go figure.

In closing, mainly to see just how badly I've messed up my first post, I'll close so I can figure out other features to utilize!

SO... Carpe Diem (means sieze the fish) I know, I know... old joke. Or my other favorite, Carpe Crustorem (means sieze the doughnut... I think)

By the way... the picture at the top of this blog isn't me... really! It is possible however that if I wore a black and white swim suit it would be best if I stayed away from the seashore...

"Quick! Roll her back!!! She's getting dehydrated!!!"

Ha!