I marvel at times...

Blue glacial ice ~ Prince William's Sound ~ Valdez, Alaska

I marvel because I am alive. Bright blue glacial ice. I never thought in a million years that I'd actually see it. But I did. It brought tears to my eyes. It will soon be 2008. Imagine that. Pretty awesome since the doctors sat down and shot from the hip as I asked them to. "Three years tops" they said... "you probably won't live past 1988." 1988!

So I suppose this is an affirmation of sorts. I guess I really am a survivor at heart. I had to laugh the other day when I realized my credit card's expiration date is 2010! Holy crap! Twenty-fricking-ten! That amazes me.

I was elated to hit the year 2000. It was a year, that I could barely comprehend while I was in middle school. Well, truth be told... it was more because I couldn't imagine myself in my early 40's when it happened. Go Figure.

So this is a wish to you all... the new year is upon us. We will laugh in the coming year... we'll cry. The more things change... we'll realize how much they stay the same. We will stress over big things and small. We'll blow stuff off and wait for the repercussion.

We'll do this because it's what we all do every day... we laugh & love, we bitch & moan... but it just means... we're surviving!

I love that idea.

How have I come this far?

Silence.

Peaceful.

Lovely.

Wondrous.

The New Year Is Soon Upon Us.

Move Into It With Grace.

We Are All What We Make Of It.

You Mean The World To Me.

AGH! It's that time again. Cripes.

Mom loved Humming Birds... so does my Aunt

So I guess this can be my one concession to them both. I'm not a bah-humbug person. Well, I didn't used to be. I can say all the standard excuses, it's too commercialized (oh yeah... that's so frighteningly true!) Or I don't subscribe to the whole religious angle. (I know some of you cringed on that one, sorry) then there's the whole "Holidays are too stressful" (Oh yeah!! I absolutely go along with that one!)

Probably the biggest obstacle for me is that I've never been able to single-handedly put the fun back in dysfunctional and after all these years... I am just too dammed tired to fricking try anymore.

Cop out? Maybe... maybe not. You can only bang your head against a brick wall for so long. For years, my Mom was a shameless instigator, now my brother has held the crown since Mom passed. Only he ramps it up so much it makes Mom look like a lightweight.

Pretty bad things to say about my family I know, but there does come a time when you just have to accept the inevitable and say, "Fu** it." Never thought I'd ever hear myself say or write those words but I'm on my way to 50 and I'm just too fricking tired of it.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, we've decided to try having a Christmas meal together at a restaurant. I'm sure this will be bitched about by my brother. Well, he can show up or not if it bothers him too much. Another plus is that in public he'll be less likely to go off on one of his rants or tirades. We think.

If not it just means that next year, I have Christmas with my Dad and whatever niece's decide to participate. I refuse to be held hostage by my brother's foul moods and negative energy, any longer.

What the hell is it that makes the holidays such a motherf***ing emotional roller coaster? Thank God for Valium is all I can say. One of my absolute favorite quotes of all time is courtesy of author Stephan King...

"God protects drunks, children and the cataclysmicly stoned." Viva Valium!

Um, yeah... I'm kidding.

Sorta, I guess.

At least it's almost over.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and oh yeah....

Bah-humbug!

Life...

Kitties...

Puppies...

Dancing like nobody's watching...

The power of seeing the Pacific Ocean

for the first time...

A sunny afternoon by the water with your dopey dog...

The perfect skip, on a perfect day...

Sunsets...

Moonrises...

Life.

Death...

This guy is 6'2". That is a wild Alaskan moose.

It could kill him in a matter of seconds.

This could be my living room, I could have been in that chair.

If I had no winter clothes and was homeless, I would die out there.

If I fell in this water, I would die of hypothermia within yards of safety.

The point?

While death can come out of the blue... with any number of explanations... Your name is on the top of the "page", It was just your time... It was an accident waiting to happen... so many possibilities. A person would be crippled emotionally if you thought of nothing but that.

But there are events that can make death a real threat.

My Mom's only sister is fighting for her life. It shatters me at times because I cannot predict the outcome I so recklessly long for. That one unattainable thing... that desperation of being there for her as if I were my Mother, not just her niece. I am there to comfort her, to tell her I will not let her be alone. While all the while, wanting to rage against the very idea of her having to face this illness.

Loved ones are vitally important... we must fight so much harder without the support of those we love... be they siblings, cousins, parents. Each time I speak to her, I have floods of feelings... flashbacks of my Mom's illness and death. The overwhelming feelings of helplessness. The emotions... the strength I show her... the positive energy I try to flood her with... but when I am here alone,

I grieve.

I grieve for her life, changed forever with the utterance of a single word.

Cancer.

I have anger. Confusion. Sadness. Pain. How can he be like that? He should be ashamed. (I am not refering to Him... but a mere mortal) But it's not up to me. I have to strive to be there for her. Like I was for Mom. I truly believe I survived for exactly this reason. So I could be there for my Grandma, my Mom, my Dad and now my Aunt. To be there to answer questions, get a laugh out of her, to tell her she can do this. She can survive!

But as I sit here typing this, tears streaming down my cheeks, I can't help but wonder, how will I ever carry on if I lose her?

Tell me please, will I have the strength to survive this?

Where has this year gone?!?

I can't believe Christmas and the New Year are mere days away. Well, let me rephrase that... if you go by the "Calendar-O-Wal-Mart" it seems Christmas was just mere "days away" sometime about the middle of October!

The piped in music at almost all stores visited before Thanksgiving, was Christmas stuff. And they wonder why employees & customers "Go Postal"? Which reminds me... I still have packages to mail. Cripes.

Okay, back to how fast the year has gone. I am a firm believer that once you hit forty, years don't last as long. As I am moving in on fifty (yeah, yeah... I said it! Don't have a cow or anything!) I believe the days are significantly shorter, thus, the year goes by faster.

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, time flies etc. So what I'd like to know is if time passes so much faster as you age, how come we don't look better as a whole? I mean... if time is flying, wouldn't you think you wouldn't get grayer or fatter or saggy-ier? I think somewhere along the line time should cut us a break!

Oh by the way... this is the latest scientific evidence that suggests this is the only accurate way to weigh yourself after you've turned 40. Seriously! It's the only reason I smile some days! On that I'll leave for awhile. There is a piece of chocolate singing to me from the kitchen. Time to sing along! (At least it's not a Christmas carol!)

How do you answer a question like that?

One can't help being awed by a picture such as this...

I have a friend in crisis. I wish I could just reach inside her and take away her pain and sorrow. I wish I could crush her fears, hold her in my arms and tell her, "It's okay... it's not the end of the world... It's just a bump in the road. It'll get better."

All those things will happen in the future, I don't doubt... but today she is in agony, her heart is broken, her spirit faltering, her mind overwhelmed. But she will persevere, of that I do not doubt.

She is stronger than she knows, the answers are not out of reach... but I grieve for her. I'm trying to help her make sense of things...

I wish I could calm her aching heart, bring peace to her tattered soul, but I can't reach inside her and soothe what so desperately needs to be soothed... so I do the best I can... I give her all my love, all my support, a shoulder to cry on, and do my utmost to make her smile.

It's what I do best, it's what I believe... the reason I have survived a rare cancer and beaten it... I made my way through that, so I could be here for her now, for all my friends, for all my family...

So have hope my friend... you are not in this alone and you never will be.

Okay... I said it... so sue me!

Just what we all wanted... right?

Well, here it is. The morning after our first snow storm here in the, Not-So-Great-White-North. All things considered... it's pretty amazing. I'm sure I will think it f***-ing sucks tomorrow when I got out to shovel. I am quite glad I phoned my prescriptions in today. I know I'll be needing major pain meds after tomorrow no doubt. It's okay though... I know there are a lot of people out there that need this moisture... I feel for the farmers... after a severely dry summer, the snow is about the only thing that may help them next spring.

I know the snowmobilers and skiers are chomping at the bit for their winter "sports" but I only care about our farmers and our water table being replenished. I find it amazing actually... I'm hoping for lots of snow for the farmers, I'll survive, but the hope is that they do too.

At the very least we can be quite thankful we aren't dealing with this!

This is a shot of what the Denali Highway in Alaska looks like! They don't maintain it from October to May!

I guess it's time to try and sleep, it's 3 a.m. and I'm getting tired. I can hear the snow plows out now clearing the streets... it's actually kind of soothing, when they drop the blades it sounds like distant thunder. As decent thunderstorm always did lull me to sleep.... besides I'm facing the shoveling of about 6 to 8 inches of snow.

These are the days I wish I was a normal healthy person. Instead I'll shovel, hurt myself then try to get my act together to be coherent for the rest of the day. But... I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you!

I do have to report that Alaska has been on my mind all day. While I was there, my "doll" hooked me on the music of Corinne Bailey Rae. I got the CD and have listened to it off and on all day. I found myself listening to the music, staring out my window but I was feeling and seeing a whole other world. I could smell the wind, hear the fast, rushing of the river. I could hear the low, rhythm the dogs set... one by one they let the world know they are a part of it... this life that she's carved out for herself, her husband, her animals... I am so proud of her.... It was a day of reflection for me... one I needed... I have been letting thing get to me.

But today? Now what I feel is just incredibly lucky I had the experience I did... the beauty, the love... the incredible outpouring of emotion for me today.

I love my life today. I love how the music touched me, I love that each time I hear Corinne's voice I will think of those days in Alaska, and I will be so happy and grateful my life includes those beautiful memories... So, fly baby-girl, fly... And my spirit will be with you at the finish line...